I got a call yesterday from an old friend who was in a bind. He currently lives out west, but used to work with me here in Gainesville back in the day. He called to tell me that he recently tried to renew his drivers license, but was flagged for failure to pay child support, even though he hasn’t legally been required to pay it for years. His kid’s all grown up. Glitch in the system.
Anyway, as he’s in Irvine, California, home of the Anteaters, and I’m in Gainesville, home of the one-loss Florida Gators, he needed someone to run to a local Department of Motor Vehicles - everybody’s favorite place to visit - and pay a $47.50 fine for him so that he could reinstate his license. Clearly a pain in the rear, but as I had nothing to do this afternoon but pretend the Florida-Ole Miss game never happened, I figured what the heck. A friend in need is a friend DMV’ed.
So I’m at the DMV, waiting the obligatory forty-five minutes to an hour before my number is called, when suddenly a great looking, blonde-haired, blue-eyed college girl walks into the place to renew her license. Keep in mind, this is Gainesville, Florida; such sights are not uncommon. Contrary to popular belief, girls DO in fact grow on trees here. Or at least they arrive by the boatload every semester.
Upon viewing said college girl, the middle-aged gentleman behind the counter, who had taken his good old time coming back from his break, acted as if he had never seen a female before, or if he had, it had been a very long time. His trainee, maybe in his mid-twenties and not totally un-presentable, stood there staring, tongue hanging well out of his mouth. I kept wanting to tell the guy to blink and snap out of it. The senior employee, in all likelihood older than this girl’s father, looked a lot like J.K. Simmons, best known for his role of J Jonah Jameson in the Spiderman movies. Trust me, this girl was out of Tobey Maguire’s league, so there was no way Jonah was getting a piece. The only way, shape or form a girl of this stature would ever even entertain the idea of talking to a guy like this would be… if he worked at the DMV and she needed to renew her license. I mean, it’s not like he’s Houston Nutt who can apparently do anything he wants to in Gainesville these days.
Jonah soon started to pour on the DMV charm sickeningly thick, as if to say to his trainee, “Look, bra, I got this,” all the while wearing his wedding ring. He commented on her smile as he took her drivers license photo and continued to drop other borderline inappropriate comments in a what I thought was supposed to be a professional setting. Guess not. It wasn’t an Isiah Thomas sexual harassment suit, but it wasn’t far from it. I was partially intrigued to hear what bile he could muster up next, much like being unable to turn my head from a train wreck or an 86-yard Shay Hodge pass play that got away. He continued on, keeping her at his counter as long as he could without starting a riot inside the DMV. Ah…. The DMV, a constant source of entertainment, although probably not what Terrell Owens meant when he told us to get our popcorn ready.
When my number was finally called an eternity later, I got up to the counter and you’ll never guess what happened… the woman behind the counter started flirting with ME!! I thought to myself, what is this… the most undersexed group of civil servants to ever be assembled? Imagine the house parties these guys must have. Are they not getting enough at home? Should I have brought lotions? I half expected them to dim the lights, throw on a strobe and start spinning some Barry White. I didn’t realize condoms were now a requirement for the random DMV visit.
Look, I’m no hater, unless of course we’re talking about the decision to give the ball to your QB seven yards behind the line of scrimmage when you only need one. Come on to whomever you want to as long as I don’t have to be subjected to it for hours. Watching this guy in action was more painful than watching another missed Gator extra point. I understand that the benefits of working at the DMV are few and far between. It’s not like they get free points on their licenses for being faithful employees. I don’t fault the guy for being flirtatious with a young college girl, but not if it’s going to come at the expense of everyone else sitting there waiting to take care of their business. Keep it professional. After all, any impending sexual harassment charge just means one less person at the counter and longer lines at the DMV.
